Izzybella busted me. I totally forgot Fart Jokes when I was giving you my list of awesome F’s.
As I’ve discussed before, I have the sense of humour of a 12-year-old boy. And I find fart jokes incredibly funny. I know, terribly declasse of me. But there it is. Whenever I try to tell a fart joke, I laugh so hard that I get hiccups. And not just any kind of hiccups. Not the teeny little “hic” that you hear some people do. Nah, I get the kind that are loud, echoing, and hurt all the way down to the bottom of my sternum. I remember once getting hiccups when Joe and I got out of our car at Voldemart. I hiccuped all the way from the car, through the parking lot, and into the building where I grabbed the first bottle of water I saw and downed it to stop the hiccups. And people were laughing at me. Schmucks.
Anyway, fart jokes. That was something my nephew Chase and I shared in common. And there was one day that Joe and I were over at their house, doing a cookout, and Chase and I were giggling over the results of baked beans. He made a comment about it, his father gave him The Look, and Chase looked at me so reproachfully that I had to take responsibility. That was embarrassing.
The funniest fart joke I’ve ever heard:
Long ago, in the days of the wild and woolly west, a native American (we called them Indians when I was a kid) went to the general store. When the storekeeper asked what he needed, he said, “Big Chief no fart.” The storekeeper gave him some dried beans and instructed him how to cook them. “I guarantee your chief will fart after he eats these.”
But the next day the native American was back, and once again grunted, “Big Chief no fart.” The storekeeper gave him some more dried beans. “I know he’ll fart when he eats these.”
Alas, the native American was back the third day. “Big Chief no fart.” The storekeeper was at his wits’ end. He gave him even more beans, told him to cook them and to have the chief eat the entire pot.
Late that night, after the storekeeper had gone to bed, he was awakened by a huge blast. He leaped out of bed and pulled on his boots over his longjohns, and ran outside. The whole tribe of native Americans was running in his direction. “What happened?” he hollered, and the man who’d bought the beans yelled back, “Big fart no Chief!”
Okay. Guess you had to have been there. But I distinctly remember trying to tell it and just getting those huge gulping hiccups.
And then there was the time when Joe and I were with his niece K, driving somewhere. Joe has this habit of lifting up one buttcheek whenever he farts, and his niece looked slyly at him. “I know what you just did, Uncle Joey.”
So I was driving home from Cosmic Cafe one night with Jehara and Izzybella, telling them about it, and when I lifted one buttcheek in demonstration, danged if I didn’t inadvertently let out a fart. Jehara and Izzy thought I’d planned it that way, and were laughing like crazy. It got even funnier when I confessed it was a complete accident.
And even though I think fart jokes are hysterical (just ask Izzybella how often as kids we stayed up late, talking when we were supposed to be sleeping, telling fart jokes), I get as embarrassed as the next person when I let out an audible or a smellable fart.
Wow. This is super embarrassing. My face is red and I’m doing that embarrassed little giggle that if I don’t stop will lead to snorting. So I’m ending this one now. Sorry to add the extra F, but Izzy was right. I am the Queen of Fart Jokes.
Chasie, this one’s for you!! Love you and miss you like mad!