Before mid-January of this year, it had been a long time since I’d had a good cry. The bipolar medications prevented that, and I certainly didn’t miss being up and down and all over the place mentally and emotionally, so I wasn’t going to mess with it.
But after my surgery, my blood pressure rocketed skyward. My primary care doc put me on blood pressure medicine, and my psych doc adjusted the dosage of one of my bipolar meds. The combination has given my tears back. Not the crazy crying all the time at the drop of at hat tears, but tears when I know I’m sad, or when I’m moved by something.
I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Previously I could know intellectually that I was sad about something, but I was numb. I couldn’t feel it. One of my favourites of Joe’s aunts passed away, and I couldn’t cry.
Now I cry when I’m moved by a story. I was rereading Rose in Bloom for the billionth time Friday, and I cried at the same place I’ve cried a billion times. I watched a romcom this morning, and I cried. And tonight I’m thinking about Scout. Joe left for a business trip, and Scout has spent the whole afternoon lying on the love seat, his face pointed eagerly toward the front door. I know that he won’t leave the love seat, except perhaps for a trip or two outside for personal business, until he gives up and accepts the fact that Joe’s not coming home tonight. Then he’ll come get in bed with me and curl up against my back, and I’ll shed a few tears on behalf of a sad little dog.
It’s funny. When I first brought Scout home, he was my baby. He followed me everywhere. If I were so audacious as to take a bath, he would sit outside in the hall and howl until I came out of the bathroom. I’m not sure when he switched his loyalties to Joe, but it didn’t seem to take very long. If Joe’s at home, Scout’s wherever Joe is. He loves him so much. Sometimes I feel a little hurt when Scout won’t come snuggle with me, but I get him while Joe’s away. Maybe if Joe were home more often, Scout would be more comfortable spending a half hour here and there with me. But I think that Scout just wants to take advantage of every moment he has with Joe. And that makes me cry. The love that little dog has for Joe is so overwhelming.
Tears can be a good thing.