It’s been a while, huh? The last few weeks have been busy ones. Our office moved, and I’ve been getting used to a significantly longer commute, a new seating arrangement (I lost my little private office and am now sitting in cubeland), among other things.
And I haven’t had much to write about, either, at least nothing to share publicly. I’ve been doing a lot of journaling, and some writing, and it’s been nice. But something else is on my mind today.
Note: if you’re the person I’m writing about here, you’ll know it. If you think it might be but we haven’t talked about it, trust me, you’re not this person.
Losing a friendship is agonizing. The only reason you have any power to hurt me is because I love you. I don’t think a day has passed since we quit talking to each other that I haven’t thought about you. I’ve even dreamed about you a few times. It has been almost as painful as losing my sister A. But you probably know that already, because I’ve told you how you remind me of A. Maybe that’s why this loss is so much more painful than I had expected, because it’s like losing A. all over again, and I can’t even talk to you about it.
Have you ever seen Labyrinth? The whole movie has Jennifer Connolly’s character running through a labyrinth, trying to rescue her baby brother from the Goblin King, played by a most luscious David Bowie. At the end of the movie she is frantically trying to remember her lines. And then she gets it. “You have no power over me.” The world almost stops spinning as she takes in that realization. Then she says it again, with conviction: “You have no power over me.” The Goblin King knows at that moment that he has lost her and the babe, and everything in his world spins out of reality and she is returned to her home and to safety.
I love you. I always will. But I guess we weren’t as close friends as I thought we were. Or maybe it’s just that our journeys have suddenly split into such dramatically different directions that you don’t have room for me. I know I hurt you, and I’ve apologized and asked your forgiveness. You withheld that forgiveness. You hurt me, too, and I’ve not heard one word of apology from you. I feel certain that you’re sorry, but don’t know how to make things go back to the way they were. I don’t think they can go back to the way they were.
I love you. I always will. And I will pray for you, and hold good thoughts in my heart for you, and wish you every joy and blessing that God has in store for you. And I forgive you for hurting me, and ask again that you’ll forgive me for hurting you. And then I’m letting it go. I’m no longer going to let this situation have any power over me. I have a life to live, and I’m tired of living a life filled with regrets. I don’t want you to hold any regrets, either. Just go forward be happy.
Edited to add:
See, I said this, and I meant it, mostly. But then things seemed like they might be thawing out. And because I love you, I tried again. And you shot me down. And it’s like going through the initial hurt all over again. I was right the first time. I can’t do this. If it makes you feel better, I’m fully planning on crying all the way home. But I’m not going to try again.