Archive for September 17th, 2008

and then later that same day I’m in the depths of despair. It’s very unhappy-making. I thought things were starting to stabilize, perhaps on the positive side of the spectrum. But I got a good dose of reality this afternoon, and I was stunned at how much it affected me. It’s like running down a path and straight into a brick wall that suddenly sprung from nowhere. I can’t tell you how much I hate it when I get a passion for something and want to go, go, go, but life is in the way and I have to deal with those realities that thwart me from accomplishing my desires. What if I never do anything in my professional life but be a stupid secretary? Well, that’s not quite correct. I’m a smart secretary, even if it’s called an admin assistant. And I’m good at it. I once thought I wanted to teach, but I’ve learned that I don’t. I wanted (and still want) to help kids, and I failed at it. I wanted to be a mother, and that wasn’t meant to be. I want to go to grad school and get an M.A. in history. But since I didn’t major in history, and didn’t take enough upper level history courses, I have to take three upper level history courses as a degreed undergraduate before I can get admitted to the history program as an M.A. candidate. The one required course isn’t offered next spring in the evening. I could just swing doing three classes in one semester if the required course were offered in the evenings, but it’s not. Will it be offered in the evening next fall? Who knows? I could pursue graduate studies in English, and I thought about it, but at least right now I don’t want to. So for the time being, it’s going to be at least a year before I can start grad school, and perhaps longer, depending upon when I can get into that one class I need. Will I still be as passionate about history as I am now? Or will I have burned myself out on it, and have gone on to another passion that will burn out as quickly? Am i ever going to accomplish anything worthwhile in my life? What do you do when everything you ever wanted is unattainable for one reason or another?

Part of this is the bipolar talking. I don’t have the traditional bipolar one tends to hear about, where people have wild extremes of behavior. My poles are much closer together, and some days I feel like a pingpong ball popping from one pole to the other. I keep telling myself that “I have bipolar disorder; bipolar disorder doesn’t have me.” Even on nights like tonight I tell myself that. But I don’t always believe it. On nights like tonight I feel like a failure. I see things in my mind, and I try to create them, and the creation ends up being so far from my vision that I feel completely incompetent. I want to do things. I want to learn things. Is this crazy: I’d love to be able to understand math. It frustrates me that I can’t. So what’s the difference between accepting one’s limitations and accepting reality, and giving up? I don’t give up. Never. If the doors are locked, I try the windows. If the windows are stuck, I’ll start digging a tunnel. If the tunnel caves in, I’ll climb to the roof and go down the chimney. I’m stubborn. When the stubbornness and the feelings of uselessness clash, I don’t know what to do but cry. And when I’m through crying, I start trying again. But I’m so damned tired of it!

When I was talking to Joe tonight, I mentioned that the recycle bin was so heavy I could hardly get it to the curb. He was astonished that I remembered to take out the trash and recycling. Am I so pathetic a person that my husband has to be surprised that I take out the recycling? How can I separate that from my self? Because he’s right to be astonished. Half the time when he’s away, I forget to take the trash to the curb until after the trash has already been picked up. I never get the recycling bins to the curb. How long have we lived in this house? Have our trash days ever changed? And yet after all that time, my husband is astonished that I did that simple little thing.

Stubborn. I’d rather play a game I probably won’t win than play a game I know I probably will win. Because I need the challenge. Even though I hate it, and I’m tired, and I want some of those walls in my way to vanish, I’ll still seek out walls so I can conquer or learn something, or something. I don’t make any sense, even to myself.

I’m tired and I’m not one bit sleepy. I want to be able to sleep without having to take sleeping pills. And the sleeping pills don’t even work 90% of the time.

I’m frustrated, angry, tired, determined, feel like giving up, wish someone would just come along with a strait jacket and take me away for a while. Not really. I’d rather have a million dollars, a bikini-worthy body, and a trip to Europe. That’d do, too. Or a job I love. Anybody need a good researcher? Anyone? Anyone?

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Today’s Twitters

  • 21:14 took a diagnostic GRE. 650 on verbal/240 on quantitative. Guess I’ll plan on doing my MA in History instead of Physics. lol bad joke I know #

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