Screw it. It seems like when the depression is at its worst, and I still try to force myself to make plans, they always mess up. So why bother? I just end up feeling even worse than if I’d not tried to do anything.
I’d actually been looking forward to going out tonight. The incomparable Izzybella can’t help being sick. It sucks. I’m not upset at her in the slightest, so when you read this, squirt, don’t start apologizing, okay? But the other person who was going to go with us already bailed. And she’s dropping hints that she doesn’t want to come to the party tomorrow night. Which, okay, her prerogative. But the so-called party is already down to two people besides myself. Some party. And I like the people who are coming, don’t get me wrong. But yeah, some party. And that’s no criticism of people who have to work–because I understand that. I’m not criticizing anyone. It’s just this sonofabitching frustrating situation that’s driving me insane!
And every email I get from V. makes me feel like an incompetent poseur who has no business being involved with anything to do with the theatre. I love her, and I know that’s not what she’s trying to do. And I know full well I have no experience and no background, and I feel privileged to have even been a part of what I’ve gotten to do. But it has completely sucked all the joy out of it for me. I feel like I’m embarrassing everyone by even thinking I can do this.
So I just want to go home and hide my head under the pillows all weekend. Of course, I do get to come to work tomorrow. And I’m not going to let down those who have committed to the “party” tomorrow night. I’ll be at the restaurant with the things I’ve got planned (about which I’ll write on Monday). And maybe they’ll actually make it.
“I feel like I’m embarrassing everyone by even thinking I can do this.” <—that’s EXACTLY how I feel about my photography!!!
you are NOT a poseur! during What Happened? i heard more positive feedback about you more than anyone else from my family and friends who came. you were my dad’s favorite. after the juarez show, you were both my parents’ favorite. again i heard the most compliments regarding your performance and none of them even knew that this was your first year.
secondly, just remember that v gets really overzealous and overexcited about stuff. and she is living out one of her dreams at the moment. i doubt she is thinking anything negative about anyone in the group and is most likely super excited to come back and share what she has learned with everyone.
and FYI, i feel like shit too sometimes when i read all about her “amazing” adventures. i think we all do.
don’t let it get you down.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!
i SO hear you.
i am in a sad state tonight – so if you want to call me, and we can cry in our virgin drinks, please do!!!
depression sucks. being lonely and all sucks worse.
~bisoux~
gypsy.
Maybe this will cheer you up a bit…you won my book contest!!!
I’ll apologize anyway because I’m like that. I’m really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry. I wish I could have gone!!!!!!!!!!!! And again I say, love your freakin’ guts.