Every now and again, like most people, my mouth opens and I trip over some of the most gosh-awful phrases you can imagine. And other times I’m wandering along talking to myself (hush, you know you do it too!), and then freeze, almost paralyzed, when I realize what just came out of my mouth. And I guess my mind must be in the gutter, because these episodes just cracked me up once I made sure no one was within earshot.
Last night I was at Barnes & Nobles looking for a crossword puzzle book. I’m addicted to the New York Times Sunday puzzles. They’re extremely difficult and I love them. I don’t like easy crossword puzzles. They annoy me. But I have all of the current NYT Sunday puzzles, so I picked up a different one to check it out. “This is short and little. I like ‘em big, and long, and hard.”
That just embarrassed the crap right out of me. But it gets worse.
I stopped for a malt at Sonic, because the ice cream soothes my currently perpetually sore throat. The straw they gave me was a little narrow, and I sucked and sucked and sucked, and finally some of the malt started to come through the straw. As I parked my car at the apartment, I heard myself say, “Man, I really had to suck a long time to get it up.”
And now I’m sharing it, for the sole purpose of comforting those of you who’ve ever completely unintentionally said something that could be taken in a really filthy manner. (And also because I need you to share something you’ve said, so I know I’m not alone!!!!)