I always say that I steal a good idea when I see it. I noticed Chicory’s list, and thought it was a cool idea. So here goes:
1. My very first memory involves me and a childhood friend standing at the side of a large, deep hole in the ground. I used to think it was a dream until I saw a photograph of the two of us standing by a large, deep hole in the ground. I have no idea what the holes were there for, or why we were standing there, but there you have it!
2. Once I mixed up a batch of mud-water in an old milk jug, and told my brother it was chocolate milk. He drank it, and got sick (of course). I was too young to understand about germs, so I didn’t realize that the bacteria in the dirty old milk jug was what made him sick. I insisted then, and still insist, that the first swallow was my fault. If he was too dumb to realize that it wasn’t chocolate milk after one swig, then he deserved to be sick.
3. Along similar lines, I gave my husband a handful of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans one day. He didn’t suspect anything, because I am a fiend for Jelly Bellies. The look on his face as he asked me what the hell he was eating was classic.
4. I’m sorry for that now, though, because on Christmas Day I ate a soap-flavoured Bertie Bott bean, and was sick for two hours.
5. As a kid, I was an incredible liar. I lied all the time, even when there was no need to. The truth was too boring.
6. Maybe that’s why I started writing, so that I could tell the lies on paper and tell the truth in person.
7. Didn’t work, though. I still tell lies every now and then, just for the sheer fun of it.
8. When my sister Izzybella was a baby, she had platinum blonde hair. I used to love brushing it, and would sit there and brush her hair until she got bored and wanted to do something else.
9. When I was 11 or 12, I had some friends who dared me to shoplift some lip gloss. I did.
10. I also shoplifted cigarettes. I thought it was cool to smoke. The only reason I’m not a smoker to this day is because someone told me that it wasn’t enough to just pull in some smoke and then puff it back out. She told me that I had to pull in some smoke, take a deep breath, and then puff it back out. I did so one time, puked violently, and was nauseated for two days. I never smoked again.
11. During the brief interval that I was a smoker, I was afraid to light matches. So I used to light my cigarettes on the burner of our gas stove. One day when I turned on the burner, it took slightly longer to ignite, there was a puff and I burned off my eyelashes.
12. After that I switched to a lighter. My brother found it and set my carpet on fire. I got grounded for a month.
13. I’m glad all that stuff happened; otherwise, I’d smell like an ashtray and have lung cancer.
14. The thing I regret the most: when I was in 9th grade, I went through an extremely brief spurt of popularity with at my small school. I wasn’t popular with the cool kids, but I was popular with everyone else. I let it go to my head, and someone asked me what I thought of a certain girl. I didn’t even know her, but airily replied that she was a bitch. Her boyfriend, who had been a friend of mine, never talked to me again. I wish I could go back to that moment, and unsay those words. I wish I could tell her now how sorry I am that I did that.
15. When I was 10 or 11, my parents bought a chest freezer stocked with all kinds of food. My favorite snack at the time was to take a can of orange juice concentrate and eat a spoonful of the frozen concentrate.
16. My other favorite snack was boiled peanuts. If you’ve never had boiled peanuts, oh my gosh, you are so missing out!!! My mother sealed them in plastic bags and stored them in the freezer. I would come home from school, boil a pot of water, and put the freezer bag in until the peanuts were steamy.
17. I moved to Minnesota on a whim when I was 18. I hated it.
18. When I moved back to Texas from Minnesota, I stopped my car on the side of the road as soon as I crossed the border back into Texas. I got out of the car and did a little dance, vowing never to leave Texas again.
19. I lied. I did leave Texas. I lived in Salt Lake City and Anaheim.
20. It’s a good thing I did live in Salt Lake City, since that’s where I met my husband, Joe.
21. When I first saw Joe, I thought he was the biggest geek in the world.
22. He is.
23. But I love him anyway.
24. I’ve watched every Harry Potter movie so many times that I can recite along with the dialogue.
25. I have now seen Goblet of Fire six times, and am planning to go again this weekend. I *really* wish it would hurry up and come out on DVD.
26. I have read each Harry Potter book over and over and over.
27. I can make an argument for Severus Snape being on the side of the good guys.
28. Using the same points for the previous argument, I can make an argument for Severus Snape being on the side of the bad guys. J.K. Rowling is a brilliant writer. I wish she’d hurry up and write book 7, so I can read it!!
29. When I was 11, I read Gone With the Wind and thought it was the best book ever.
30. I hate Gone With the Wind.
31. I took some Metabolife this morning, and I have got such a buzz on! Wow!
32. My all-time favorite word is borborygmus. It means the rumbly noise in your gut when you’re digesting food or have gas. I found it one day when I was reading the dictionary for fun.
33. I read the dictionary for fun.
34. Every morning when I get up, I sit at my computer and read my personal e-mail and talk myself out of going to work.
35. Every morning at the last possible minute, I get ready and go to work.
36. I don’t like talking on the phone. I prefer talking in person or writing letters or e-mails.
37. Every now and then, my mother’s voice comes out of my mouth. It’s always a freaky thing.
38. I sing a song to my dog every morning. “Good morning, good morning. You slept the whole night through. Good morning, good morning, to you. Good morning, good morning. It’s great to see your face. Good morning, good morning. I love you. Boop-boop-a-doo.” And we snuggle and kiss each other while I sing it to her.
39. All of my dogs get the same middle name: Stinkbutt.
40. Mine and Joe’s first dog was named Stanislaus Stinkbutt.
41. The dog we have now is named Molly Stinkbutt.
42. I also call Molly Sugarlips, Sugarbooger, Mollypop, and Mollypopsicle Girl.
43. I call Joe Sugarbooger and Sugarlips too.
44. I am deathly afraid of roaches. And we have an older house and get those huge monster ginormous cockroaches from hell. Whenever I see one, I scream, and make Joe kill it. He wants to know why I don’t just kill it myself, and I tell him that killing cockroaches is the man’s job.
45. My all-time favorite meal is cheese enchiladas, rice, and refried beans.
46. My all-time favorite home-cooked meal is porcupine meatballs, Joe’s mashed potatoes, spinach salad, and lazy daisy cake.
47. I can curl my tongue.
48. I can whistle, but only with the “pucker up your lips and blow” technique. I don’t know how to do those loud piercing shrill whistles that are so cool.
49. I can burp on demand, but they’re usually pretty lame little burps.
50. The last time Izzybella and I went to the movies, I forced a burp right after the cute little polar bear cub slugs down some Coke. She laughed. I wish I could burp louder, so that everyone in the theatre could have heard me. Yeah, I’m pretty crass sometimes.